Another email about the family's attempts to help Duraye

31 August 2016

Dear Myreel, Corwin, Delon and Durelle...

I wanted you to be aware that Durelle had a long visit with Olivia on Monday night. Durelle called me last night on her way to California, I believe, to report on the visit. It was not good.

Olivia and Jeffery went on for hours telling Durelle a sordid saga of years of deceptions, lyings, addictions, self-destructing behaviors, etc. Their bottom line: Duraye doesn’t need an apartment on her own, she needs intervention…to be checked into an addiction recovery facility. It was heart-breaking. Feel free to call Durelle, if you want the details.

It, of course, raises the questions: are we doing the right thing? do we keep going?

Legally, we’re (or at least, I’m) committed. I’ve signed the lease, which begins tomorrow. The salt in the wound: the landlords didn’t require a first and last payment, but they did require a refundable security deposit that’s equivalent to a month’s rent ($950). So it’s the same thing, for which I’m deeply sorry that I didn’t ask the “right question” when asking abut the terms. So the up-front cost of this move is going to be a bit painful (about $2,700). I’ll send you details soon.

Let me confess to you that I don’t know that we’re doing the right thing. But I don’t see any other viable options.

For instance, while intervention is what may be needed, there’s no way we can force her into doing it. Things won’t change until Duraye decides she’s weary of her sad and miserable life—when she cries out from the depth of her heart for help…help from God and from those who love her most. So are we enabling her sad and miserable life by what we’re doing? It’s certainly a risk.

One option is, of course, to let her drown and hit that horrible rock bottom…penniless, maybe on the street, maybe suicidal (she carries a weapon…crazy, but she does).

Despite the long and sordid saga Durelle painted for me last night, I will tell you that I continue to believe we’re on the right path. I may be delusional and naive. If so, I can only ask your forgiveness. But here’s how I look at it.

Here’s what makes this time different…and maybe brings us hope.

Until now our picture of Duraye has come from lots of different sources—our own personal experiences, each of our siblings dealings' with her, her children, occasionally friends, telling us about her deceit and troubles. Duraye has tried to play us against each other and many of us have quietly slipped her cash in a moment of sympathy…cash, for all we know, that was likely used for feeding addictions.

So, for the first time, we are united as a family in taking action to address Duraye. Instead of threatening her (as she may deserve), we’re showing her mercy. We’re trusting in her. If she burns the same bridge she has burned with several in the family, who have reached out to her or who have been “used” by her, she now knows she’s burning the bridge with the entire family. There will be no one else, in her sphere of those who care and love her, to turn to for rescue or to be deceived.

Secondly, we now have the influence of the Church to help us. That was never fully available because Duraye, as a non-member co-habitating, caused the bishop’s hands to be tied. Hopefully, if we work closely with Duraye’s bishop, HP Group leader, Relief Society president, home and visiting teachers, we will find out within a few months if Duraye is making any attempts to change…to start a new life.

Yes, she can pull the wool over the bishop’s eyes…and others…but, in time, her attendance at church, her willingness to meet with the bishop, her willingness to receive home and visiting teachers, her willingness to serve (where non-members can serve) when asked, will tell us if there’s a ray of hope being kindled in our sister’s life.

For the first time, she will now be accountable to the family and to the Church. Hopefully she’ll figure out that such accountability cannot be faked forever and the true Duraye will be made known to us and, more importantly, to her.

While this is going to be expensive to all of us, I personally believe it’s our only hope that somehow our merciful actions plus her connecting again with the Church will allow a spark of repentance to be kindled and fanned so that she will ultimately cry out for help. It’s then, and only then, will she be open to receiving the professional help that none of us can provide, but is available through intervention services.

In all of this, I have had in my mind an image of facing Dad and Mom some day and telling them how much I love Duraye and that we did everything...even if it cost me dearly financially…to keep her with us.

If you feel we are going in the wrong direction, please know I understand if you choose not to participate in what’s happening. You have all been so supportive and encouraging and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. I, too, despair over all of this and find myself crying out for help. Thank you for not giving up on her…or me.

Love,

Crismon

P.S. We serve in the temple on Wednesdays so I will not be available to respond to any emails until this evening.

A follow-up letter to the family about our sister Duraye

Dear Delon, Durelle, Myreel and Corwin…

Thank you for your counsel and concerns about what is our next step in helping Duraye.

Let me share some feelings that I believe are overarching on everything we’re talking about here. Our discussion has suddenly turned from “how do we help Duraye because we love her” to “how do we rehabilitate Duraye because she’s a problem.” Please, I ask you not to allow our discussion to go there. 

Here’s why…

As we have all learned, one of the most divisive (if not THE most divisive) issues that can destroy relationships…especially between parents and children (including God and His children, for that matter)…is the lack of trust. 

That, of course, is why children get grounded or restricted in the parent-child relationship. But as children grow to adulthood, as parents, we must find ways to develop and nurture trust or we run the risk there will be no relationship. 

Duraye has broken trust with her family by her poor choices so now some of the consequences are falling upon us. We naturally resent that and sometimes think of her more as a child than our sister. 

On the other hand, we have broken trust with Duraye because we have withheld our love and support because we feel it’s our duty to judge and even “fix” her.

In short, we should not have an expectation that she’ll know how or even the desire to restore our trust. But, with the gospel perspective, the Lord expects us to restore trust with our sister so ultimately she’ll trust God.

In other words, in my opinion, we must not dictate or demand that she do anything differently to please us. We help her because we love her…she is our sister…and we trust she will make correct choices. That is not easy for us to accept when she’s broken our trust and our hearts over the years.

Still, just as the Lord’s merciful hand is constantly outstretched to us, we will win her trust again if we will learn to trust her. 

So, what does this all mean… (please forgive me for preaching)

We must set aside our fears that Duraye will go back to Mike...that Scottsdale will only lead to more evil...that she’ll never get or keep a job…that she can’t change unless she moves far away.

She needs to know we trust her and do not expect her to make any changes to please us. She needs to know that we will help her the best we can however much we can for as long as we can…because we love her, she is our sister! (Each of us must decide for ourselves how much and how long that is for each of us personally.)

We rejoice that she has chosen to leave Mike…after 16 years of a dead-end relationship. Please, let’s not try to direct her or insist that she go anywhere. Once we try to dictate where she must go, in her mind she becomes “our child…our project” and just another object of the “Lewis Family Rehabilitation Program” (her words) as she has seen most, if not all of us over the years, send some of our children to live with another family in hopes of correcting behavior.

I have asked Duraye, recognizing that both of her daughters are going to be in Utah by this January, if that is attractive at all to her. Would she like to find an apartment (or even possibly stay free with family) in Utah instead of Arizona? For a number of reasons, even though they may not make sense to us and may raise fears that she won’t change, she has no interest in going to Utah. She feels at home in Arizona and wants to remain here regardless of her daughters’ location. I trust her judgment that she’s making the right choice for herself.

So now we’re back to how do we help her break from Mike, get on her own, get stable financially, and ultimately get connected with a bishop?

We have two options that I can see right now:

1. We help her get into the apartment in Scottsdale. It’s a good apartment…not fancy but not run down…and it stays within the $1,000 / month budget that I asked her to stay within. She’s afraid to be alone, but she likes the apartment and the setting (it appears to be a safe neighborhood). Our natural reaction is: Hey, beggars can’t be  choosers. I don’t feel she’s being abusive of our generosity. She is very grateful to the family and feels badly that she has placed us in this position of having to rescue her…again. I don’t feel we should abuse her willingness to make a fresh start by requiring her to live in a dump. We want her to know that we desire for her to get a fresh start in a decent place.

The drawback is that there are no apartments…at least, decent apartments…that allow renters to pay month-to-month without a first-year lease. Fortunately, in this case they are not requiring a first and last payment, which is not uncommon.

Frankly, we don’t even know that she will qualify for this apartment…or for any apartment, for that matter. She has no current employment, a week employment history and a misdemeanor criminal record. Without a co-signer, she is trapped and may never be able to break.

Co-signing is a big risk, without a doubt. But a willingness on our part to co-sign sends her a HUGE message that we trust she will eventually get a good job where she can totally support herself in time….along with the Church’s help, her family's help and the Lord’s merciful hand.

If this is the option we choose, I need to pay the qualifying fee of $100 immediately so they can run credit and personal checks on both Duraye and me, as the co-signer ($50 per screening) and hold the apartment until the owner decides whether or not to accept Duraye.

The second option…

2. If the above is too much for us to swallow, then another option is for Duraye and Madelyn to stay in the apartment (yes, with Mike) for another few months. She and Mike are friends, but not romantic. In fact, Mike somewhat detests Duraye and tells her he hopes she’ll move. In her opinion, Mike wants to be a hermit. So she is a heart-broken, spurned woman and has no desire to stay, but Mike is decent to her and she is surviving on that tiny, sliver of security.

The plan would be to have Duraye stay in the apartment (Mike is picking up the rent, Duraye helps when she can) until the end of December, at which time Madelyn will leave for Utah (if she still plans to leave by then) and Duraye would move into an apartment somewhere in the Valley (I have tried to encourage her to find a place close to the freeway so she can get to a job most anywhere in the Valley). Hopefully by then she’d have a job to help her make the break or, if not, we, as family, hopefully would be willing to help her as best as we can as per option #1.

If she remains in the apartment with Mike for the next four months, there are several downsides: (1) we/she can’t seek church assistance, (2) there’s the chance she’ll give up and change her mind, and (3) she’ll still need immediate family assistance (she is destitute with debt)...if we’re willing to provide it under the status of co-habitating (I realize that’s going to be a hard pill to swallow for some, if not all).

Fortunately, her current living expenses are not exorbitant. They include:

$300 / month auto rental from Jordan, Madelyn’s old boyfriend who “flips” cars and as been very generous to Duraye to help her; otherwise, with her record, she’d be hard pressed to get a car; she obviously needs a car to seek and fulfill employment

$34 / month for auto insurance

$120 / month for phone (we know this is expensive, but her previous employer required it and now Duraye can’t get out from under it for a while)

$88 / month for the Interlock device on the car she must rent or lease so she can drive

$80 / month for the storage unit that she and Mike share ($160 / mo)

I’ve encouraged her to apply for food stamps (she didn’t know she’d qualify), which she is doing. So with other incidental living expenses, she can stay above water with assistance from the family of $600 / month…until she can land a job at which time the family assistance would no longer be needed…recognizing that we may be looking at implementing Option #1 in January, if she doesn’t have steady employment by then or can’t qualify to get into her own apartment.

I’m open to any other options you want to explore. I only ask that everything we do sends a signal to her that we love her and trust her…that we are willing to do all that we can, however long we can, so she’ll know—as never before—that we love her, trust her and we want to be family with her.

I hope this helps,

Crismon

A personal letter to the family asking for financial aid to help Duraye get on her own

18 August 2016

Dear Family,

Most, if not all, are aware that our sister Duraye continues to struggle in life. She has struggled to find and keep good employment. Living the gospel has not been easy for her either. In the process, she has broken trust with many in the family, which has created its own set of relationship challenges. 

In the past those struggles were placed on Mother, when she was with us, and more often than not on the wonderful Peases, who have an amazing gift for loving and caring for those with burdens—literally a lifelong ministry!

Due to some of their own family challenges last fall, Delon and others in the family asked that Vivienne and I, because of our ongoing relationship with Duraye in Reliv, serve as a conduit of sorts for the family to be a listening ear for Duraye and help where possible. 

We have tried to stay close to her over the past 10 months through phone and text. 

While her life is filled with more sorrow and loneliness than joy, thankfully Duraye loves her family and wants to be with us. However, when she distances herself through her actions and sometimes words, it's not easy for us to jump in and rescue her. And when we do help her, we understandably worry that we're enabling her to continue making poor choices. 

Our natural response is to say to her: “Duraye, just live the gospel and life will bring happiness." While that's easy to feel and say for those who live the gospel, it is a steep uphill climb full of fears, pitfalls and even suffocating feelings of guilt for those who have stayed away for so long. 

What I'm saying is that I feel we need to accept Duraye where she is. I'm not suggesting that we condone poor choices or inappropriate behaviors, but that we help her as best we can without holding her to a standard of behavior or an expectation she will change any time soon. 

In other words, she is our sister and we love and care for her not because of her conduct but because she is family. She is us and we are her. As the gospel teaches us, we are all unworthy beneficiaries of a loving, merciful Heavenly Father and His family plan. 

The greatest need Duraye has right now is to live on her own. In the past, she has not wanted to move. Now she does. She and Mike have "broken up" but are trapped in the same home because neither can carry the full financial load of their shared apartment in Mesa 

After visiting with Durelle and Delon and a few others, we are in agreement that the timing is good right now to help her get out of her apartment. We don't believe Mike will move, so our best option is to help Duraye move out, which we believe she can do without any financial penalty or repercussion. 

Unfortunately, this week she lost her latest job so she has no resources to move. Therefore we are recommending that the family come to her aid. 

We are asking all, who desire to participate, to commit $50 or $100 per month for at least three months. We hope those who feel they can commit more will do so inasmuch as it is difficult to get into a decent apartment in today's market for much less than $1,000 per month. Due to the common practice of requiring first and last month payments to get into an apartment, we may need to ask that the first month is a two-month payment of either $100 or $200, depending on what you feel you can afford. 

Duraye is working hard to get good jobs and to keep them. As you know, her track record in keeping a job has not been encouraging, but there are usually sales jobs out there and she's good at that. Our hope is that she will be able to catch her breath financially in the next three months so she can eventually support herself. 

Frankly, there's a decent chance she will refuse our offer.  She is fiercely independent and prides herself in being a "survivor."

Nonetheless, assuming we get family support and she's willing, the plan is to do the following:

1. Explain to Duraye, even this weekend if possible, what the family desires to do. No strings attached. We simply want to help her in this hour of need, just as she we would do for any of us if the roles were reversed...because this is what families do. 

2. Ask her to locate a reasonably priced apartment and give us the terms so we'll know the up-front and ongoing obligations.

3. Then identify her ward and bishop. I would contact the bishop personally and explain the situation (to what extent the family is able to cover rent  for the immediate future) to see if the ward would be willing to help make up the difference to give Duraye the security for at least three months (or sooner, if possible) to get on her feet and take on the full responsibility of paying for her own housing. Above all, we want her to know that her family and church care enough that we are here as her "safety net."

We feel the tie to the Church via rent or living assistance creates an important connection so Duraye isn't forgotten by her bishop and she will have reason to connect with him on a regular basis. 

Duraye is not a freeloader. She does not feel an entitlement to receive assistance. To her credit, despite her ongoing financial crises, she does not want or look for handouts. I feel strongly if she even accepts our offer, she will not abuse it. 

All of you are likely aware that Mother left an inheritance that she has willed to the Church. While it would seem reasonable to parcel some of those funds for this cause, legally it's impossible and it's important that Duraye understands our offer does not come without sacrifice from the family, a sacrifice we're happy to shoulder because we love her. 

So what do we do if she can't get on her feet within the next three months? I don't know except we will surely do all we can to keep helping her...we are family…while seeking guidance and counsel from Duraye's new bishop. 

In the meantime, she needs our continued prayers and she could use any employment leads or suggestions.

Finally, may I say it's important we understand this is not an "investment" in Duraye. We should have no false hopes or expectations that a different Duraye will come from all of this. We do this because we love her, not with the expectation she will change  to meet our standard of behavior. But just getting her into her own apartment may allow her to feel the Spirit of the Lord in her home again, which, as we all know, is the key for all of us to change, to become the person the Lord desires us to become. 

Will you please reply to this email in two ways...

1. Reply to ALL with questions, concerns or suggestions. All are welcomed. 

2. Reply privately to me with the financial commitment you are willing to make for the next three months so I can explain to the bishop what we can do as a family. 

Or, if any of you would prefer to discuss this personally, feel free to call me at 503-914-8689. 

Thank you for giving this your consideration.

Love,

Crismon & Vivienne

In response to President Paul Hansen, first counselor in the stake presidency, feelings about calling on leaders and members to bear testimony during quorum or group meetings

2 August 2016

Paul,

Thank you for sharing your feelings about having outgoing and incoming quorum leaders (and even members) share their testimonies during quorum meetings. You are a wonderful advocate for teaching doctrine and the gospel in quorum meetings…and making sure there is adequate time for instructors to teach. Thank you for speaking up on this subject often!

While I appreciate the importance of quorum instruction, too, I feel quite strongly about the importance of having quorum leaders and members bear testimony in the quorum or group meeting even at the expense of quorum instruction. For multiple reasons:

1) I want quorum members to hear the strength and depth of their quorum (group) leaders’ testimonies;

2) I want all to know that bearing of testimony is an important element of our discipleship and leadership, especially in the latter days;

3) I want quorum members to bear their testimonies because it has a way of helping those who sometimes sit back in ward testimony meetings to share their feelings, some for the first time in a long time;

4) I want the leaders to appreciate that the bearing of testimonies in the quorum setting creates unity.

The drawback, of course, is that we usually don’t have any lesson and the person, who prepared the lesson, feels slighted…for which I regret very much.

So going forward, will you please take the responsibility to make sure that when we know there is going to be a leadership change that the quorum or group leader and instructor know that the stake presidency may take up most, if not the entire, meeting time; that we plan to call on the outgoing and incoming leaders, and maybe some quorum members, to bear testimony? 

Feel free to assign this to the assigned high councilor. What I want to avoid is anyone’s feelings getting hurt because they prepared a lesson and didn’t have the opportunity to present it. So please help them be aware so they prepare a very short lesson, if possible, and know that there may not be time for any lesson at all.

Because of our schedule last Sunday, will you please plan to attend the High Priest Group in Estacada this Sunday and conduct a brief testimony meeting at the beginning of the Group meeting calling on the members of the outgoing Group leadership and then the incoming leadership to bear their testimonies. It will be an idea time for you to express again the stake presidencies gratitude. If you feel so directed, you may call on others in the Group to share their testimony. Please ask Brother Baird to prepare the lesson time accordingly. (I realize the Estacada HP meeting will end at the same time we go into the Tickle Creek HP reorganization. We are happy to excuse you from the TC meeting and give Brother Franklin or the new Group leader an opportunity to set apart one of the assistants.)

Please invite Brother James Anderson to attend with you and invite him, also, to share his testimony as a way for the Group to get acquainted with him. While you’re at it, please advise Bishop Hawkins of the HC assignment change that Bro Anderson is now replacing Bro Yates so he can properly recognize him in sacrament meeting this Sunday.

I realize this bearing of testimony during the quorum meeting is not a Handbook-approved “policy.” But, as you know, there are a number of policies and practices in our stake (and in most stakes, I assume) that are traditions or preferences, not Handbook-approved.

One that you’re very familiar with is the practice of bishopric members leaving the stand during the closing hymn to greet members at the door, which is now being practiced in at least two wards in our stake. 

While this is not Handbook-approved, I have not wanted to stop it because I want to give the bishops the flexibility to do what they feel appropriate to help them in their efforts to connect with ward members.

However, if a General Authority were to spend some time in our stake, I’m confident that this practice would be ended immediately for two reasons:

1) It causes the presiding authority to leave the stand, even though it’s only for a few minutes;

2) It sends a signal to members, especially children, that it’s OK to leave your seat during the meeting and go (what appears to be) outside the chapel.

I apologize for making this such an issue, but I sense you feel very strongly about the importance of not taking quorum-group meeting time for testimonies instead of gospel teaching. While I value your counsel tremendously, it’s important that you know I do not share your passion on this subject.

I will be happy to address this with you personally. And I hope that I have not offended you in the least. If so, please forgive me. You are a tremendous “right hand man” in the stake presidency and I appreciate very, very much the countless hours you put in to support me personally and to move forward the Lord’s work in our stake.

With love and gratitude for your continuing efforts to bless our stake,

Crismon