Dear Family,
Most, if not all, are aware that our sister Duraye continues to struggle in life. She has struggled to find and keep good employment. Living the gospel has not been easy for her either. In the process, she has broken trust with many in the family, which has created its own set of relationship challenges.
In the past those struggles were placed on Mother, when she was with us, and more often than not on the wonderful Peases, who have an amazing gift for loving and caring for those with burdens—literally a lifelong ministry!
Due to some of their own family challenges last fall, Delon and others in the family asked that Vivienne and I, because of our ongoing relationship with Duraye in Reliv, serve as a conduit of sorts for the family to be a listening ear for Duraye and help where possible.
We have tried to stay close to her over the past 10 months through phone and text.
While her life is filled with more sorrow and loneliness than joy, thankfully Duraye loves her family and wants to be with us. However, when she distances herself through her actions and sometimes words, it's not easy for us to jump in and rescue her. And when we do help her, we understandably worry that we're enabling her to continue making poor choices.
Our natural response is to say to her: “Duraye, just live the gospel and life will bring happiness." While that's easy to feel and say for those who live the gospel, it is a steep uphill climb full of fears, pitfalls and even suffocating feelings of guilt for those who have stayed away for so long.
What I'm saying is that I feel we need to accept Duraye where she is. I'm not suggesting that we condone poor choices or inappropriate behaviors, but that we help her as best we can without holding her to a standard of behavior or an expectation she will change any time soon.
In other words, she is our sister and we love and care for her not because of her conduct but because she is family. She is us and we are her. As the gospel teaches us, we are all unworthy beneficiaries of a loving, merciful Heavenly Father and His family plan.
The greatest need Duraye has right now is to live on her own. In the past, she has not wanted to move. Now she does. She and Mike have "broken up" but are trapped in the same home because neither can carry the full financial load of their shared apartment in Mesa
After visiting with Durelle and Delon and a few others, we are in agreement that the timing is good right now to help her get out of her apartment. We don't believe Mike will move, so our best option is to help Duraye move out, which we believe she can do without any financial penalty or repercussion.
Unfortunately, this week she lost her latest job so she has no resources to move. Therefore we are recommending that the family come to her aid.
We are asking all, who desire to participate, to commit $50 or $100 per month for at least three months. We hope those who feel they can commit more will do so inasmuch as it is difficult to get into a decent apartment in today's market for much less than $1,000 per month. Due to the common practice of requiring first and last month payments to get into an apartment, we may need to ask that the first month is a two-month payment of either $100 or $200, depending on what you feel you can afford.
Duraye is working hard to get good jobs and to keep them. As you know, her track record in keeping a job has not been encouraging, but there are usually sales jobs out there and she's good at that. Our hope is that she will be able to catch her breath financially in the next three months so she can eventually support herself.
Frankly, there's a decent chance she will refuse our offer. She is fiercely independent and prides herself in being a "survivor."
Nonetheless, assuming we get family support and she's willing, the plan is to do the following:
1. Explain to Duraye, even this weekend if possible, what the family desires to do. No strings attached. We simply want to help her in this hour of need, just as she we would do for any of us if the roles were reversed...because this is what families do.
2. Ask her to locate a reasonably priced apartment and give us the terms so we'll know the up-front and ongoing obligations.
3. Then identify her ward and bishop. I would contact the bishop personally and explain the situation (to what extent the family is able to cover rent for the immediate future) to see if the ward would be willing to help make up the difference to give Duraye the security for at least three months (or sooner, if possible) to get on her feet and take on the full responsibility of paying for her own housing. Above all, we want her to know that her family and church care enough that we are here as her "safety net."
We feel the tie to the Church via rent or living assistance creates an important connection so Duraye isn't forgotten by her bishop and she will have reason to connect with him on a regular basis.
Duraye is not a freeloader. She does not feel an entitlement to receive assistance. To her credit, despite her ongoing financial crises, she does not want or look for handouts. I feel strongly if she even accepts our offer, she will not abuse it.
All of you are likely aware that Mother left an inheritance that she has willed to the Church. While it would seem reasonable to parcel some of those funds for this cause, legally it's impossible and it's important that Duraye understands our offer does not come without sacrifice from the family, a sacrifice we're happy to shoulder because we love her.
So what do we do if she can't get on her feet within the next three months? I don't know except we will surely do all we can to keep helping her...we are family…while seeking guidance and counsel from Duraye's new bishop.
In the meantime, she needs our continued prayers and she could use any employment leads or suggestions.
Finally, may I say it's important we understand this is not an "investment" in Duraye. We should have no false hopes or expectations that a different Duraye will come from all of this. We do this because we love her, not with the expectation she will change to meet our standard of behavior. But just getting her into her own apartment may allow her to feel the Spirit of the Lord in her home again, which, as we all know, is the key for all of us to change, to become the person the Lord desires us to become.
Will you please reply to this email in two ways...
1. Reply to ALL with questions, concerns or suggestions. All are welcomed.
2. Reply privately to me with the financial commitment you are willing to make for the next three months so I can explain to the bishop what we can do as a family.
Or, if any of you would prefer to discuss this personally, feel free to call me at 503-914-8689.
Thank you for giving this your consideration.
Love,
Crismon & Vivienne
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