Bishop Miller and Brother (name withheld)…
In response to your inquiry as to whether his son can sing in the ward choir, let me see if we can address this in another way so we don’t become “policemen” having to address every question as to what he can and can’t do? All are valid questions, by the way, but let me see if we can set some foundation to help us…and especially him…in deciding how we go forward from here.
I’m sorry to be so directive in this, but it is a serious matter involving an endowed Melchizedek Priesthood holder while serving as a set apart missionary for the Lord. I, too, want only to make the right decisions here to help and, frankly, this is relatively new territory for me, too.
The bottom line is that he should be excommunicated (and may yet be depending on his response to our efforts to help him) for months of deceit, breaking temple covenants and contributing to the possible destruction of a young girl’s future, unless she repents (yes, it was consensual but it was still an adult-minor relationship that cannot be ignored). If I’m not mistaken, in some places in the US it’s considered a form of rape.
In the end, we are talking about a total disregard for both the Lord’s sacred Law of Chastity and Law of Consecration. Because of his upbringing and example in his home, there should be no question as to his level of understanding of those two laws.
So for now, until we can decide the formalities, please hold him accountable for these actions, as if he were excommunicated, even though we do not want to shame him or suggest he cannot repent. But it’s important that he come to realize the gravity of his sins and the level of offense it was to God. So he must be denied the privileges of membership without feeling ostracized, which can be a delicate balance. Fortunately, he has the support of a very loving and caring family, who are going to stand by him and help him in this journey. So will his bishop and stake president, as long as he will allow us to do so by showing a sincere desire to do whatever is asked of him to receive the Lord’s forgiveness.
Therefore in an “excommunicated” status, he is not to participate in classes, say public prayers, speak in meetings, use his priesthood, serve in callings and participate in ordinances. He is to wear his garments (those excommunicated cannot), attend church meetings (including priesthood quorum meeting) and to do everything he can to draw closer to the Lord in his personal life. While excommunicated members can sing in choirs, just like a non-member, singing in the choir puts him up front and subtly says to the congregation all is well, when he has broken trust with his fellow members (who also made covenants), to say nothing of the trust broken with family, his priesthood leaders and the Lord.
We have agreed to allow him to speak in the Damascus Ward sacrament meeting and to report to the Stake High Council this Sunday in order to avoid public shame that would occur by his absence. But even there he needs to understand that he was allowed to do those two things, not because he is worthy or deserving, but simply to offer some semblance of protection from public shame while he decides if he’s going to make a sincere effort to give the Lord the year he owes Him.
While we desperately want him to feel loved, wanted and needed, as with any excommunicated member, until he shows true contrition by seriously working with us, his parents and, especially, the Lord in creating a plan of repentance that he commits to follow. then he should not expect to serve or enjoy the blessings and benefits of membership in hopes that the denial will help him appreciate the seriousness of covenants, the consequences of breaking them, and the blessings that come from keeping them.
I’m sorry to ask this. But we must remember the balance between justice and mercy. Mercy is waiting for him to begin to turn to the Lord with all of his heart wanting to do whatever it takes to become a different person, to have a new heart and pure desires. It means his parents will begin to see a different young man in the way he lives his life each day, i.e. devotion to scripture study, prayers, cleaning his room, using his time wisely, participating only in wholesome and uplifting entertainment, respect for parents and other family members, desiring only to be with good friends, seeking to help others (especially less fortunate) before concerning himself about his life and his future, etc.
Until then, justice must be answered.
I hope this helps. I apologize for going on so long.
I admire and respect you both and welcome your counsel in this very painful matter for all of us. Please forgive me if I have come across too harshly. I don’t want to forget that he is still a young man and, obviously, in some respects just a boy. So feel free to respond and help make sure I don’t allow my own hurt or disgust cause an imbalance in my judgment.
Gratefully,
President Lewis
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