25 November 2019
Bishops and Branch Presidents,
Gender confusion (aka gender dysphoria—defined as a dissatisfaction with life) can be very confusing indeed.
Sadly, it is quite popular in some schools.
In fact, it’s not unusual for youth to be told by friends at school that they need to make a decision about their gender—everyone else is having to decide. Are you bi-sexual, trans, queer? Not only is the whole question bizarre to our generation, there are now laws protecting those who choose to act on their gender dissatisfaction.
While we don’t feel gender dysphoria is so prevalent that it merits a stake devotional to teach parents, we suggest bishops and branch presidents get acquainted with the subject so you can address it when it surfaces among your youth.
LDS Family Services recommends that, when a young person brings it up, bishops should not try to address it but simply (1) acknowledge with sympathy.
You might say something like this: “I’m sorry you’ve been wrestling with this matter. It must have been painful to keep this to yourself for so long.”
And then follow that up with: “There are professionals in the Church who can help us understand gender dysphoria and how to help you. Would it be OK if we visited with your parents and then help you and them learn more at LDS Family Services?"
Recently LDS Family Services conducted training on gender dysphoria. I attended it along with a number of others from our stake. Attached is a 2-page document with highlights from the training. This is not mean to be the final word on the subject or even training on gender dysphoria, but hopefully these training notes will be of help in your understanding.
If you would like additional training on the subject, please let me know privately and the stake presidency will consider arranging for Matthew Scott, manager of the local LDS Family Services office, to conduct a presentation to leaders and others in our stake.
We hope this is helpful.
President Lewis
Gender Dysphoria
Highlights from LDS Family Services training
Some key points from training conducted by LDS Family Services on Nov 12:
PRESSURE IN SCHOOL: It’s very common for youth to have friends in school who will come to them, even at a young age, and say something like: “Hey, what’s your gender identify? Everyone is making that decision and you need to, too.” That’s one way youth can begin to wonder if they were born in the wrong body.
FEELING SHAME: Those in the Church, who are wrestling with their gender identity, are being told by friends in the LBGT community things like: “Your family and church won’t understand your feelings, if you tell them how you feel. They’ll stop loving you.” So we are to constantly give assurance that our love will never end because of issues like this. We do not want to “fix” them but help them deal with it.
ADDRESSING THOSE FEELINGS: Telling a young person “It’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it” or “pray away the gay.” These statements are harmful and only cause more shame. Instead, give assurance that we love them and will do all we can to help them. Let’s go together to LDS Family Services and learn together.
THERAPISTS HANDS ARE TIED: Oregon law (and the laws in many other states) ban therapists from trying to change anyone who declares they are dealing with gender dysphoria. Therapists must, by law, affirm and acknowledge that the feelings are real. LDS Family Services usually approaches it by attempting to identify depression, anxiety or relationship issues, which are often the root cause of gender confusion issues. Conversion therapy of any sort is absolutely banned.
INTERNET CONCERNS: We can help parents understand that unlimited access to the Internet is often at the root of gender dysphoria. When youth can access LGBT websites, it’s easy for them to become obsessed with gender issues. And for reasons of fear and shame, they may not tell anyone but obsess in silence leading to depression and anxiety, among other emotional issues. It’s vital that parents monitor their children’s access to the Internet and social media.
PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS: The parent-child relationship and communication is key to helping young people deal with gender dysphoria. Parents who do not panic, but show unconditional love will be the greatest help to their children struggling with gender confusion.
FROM A MEMBER IN OUR STAKE WHO ALSO ATTENDED:
IT’S ABOUT LOVE: Be understanding and show acceptance. Love them anyway! Each individual is a beloved child of Heavenly Parents who know that individual's eternal plan-—and we don't.
DON’T JUDGE: Be kind, don't judge, and meet the individual where they are at. We may be the first (and only) person they talk with about their struggles.
NO LABELS: Don't label, and encourage the individual to not label themselves.The worldly approach is to label, while Heavenly Father's approach is individualized and with an eternal perspective. The individual (and those around them) need time to prayerfully come to understand who they are and Heavenly Father's individual plan for them. This may be a years-long, or even life-long, process.
BE CLEAR: We are still developing the words to describe all of this, and these words can mean different things to different groups and individuals. It’s common in the church to use the term 'same-gender attraction' to describe the individual's mortal challenge, and we should do the same. The world uses labels as 'gay' and 'LGBTQ' to describe both a sexual orientation and a lifestyle. I believe one can live with 'same-gender attraction' sexual orientation and not lead a 'gay' lifestyle. I also have known same-gender couples that don't appear 'gay'.
MISUNDERSTANDINGS: Science is trying to catch up and it is years behind. In many cases what is known may be ignored and/or misconstrued by lawmakers and activists to achieve their own goals. This can be seen in laws limiting a professional (physical and mental) health care provider's ability to discuss care while being legally forced to support a minor's self-diagnosed gender dysphoria. We are working and living in an imperfect environment trying to make informed choices based on a lack of information.
3 TYPES OF DYSPHORIA: It is not well known but there are three different types of dysphoria. It can make a big difference talking about them. Each one is so different, and their symptoms and needs are just as varied.
MIXED MESSAGES: Other mental and psychological needs are involved with all gender dysphoria types. These often include depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and more. Counseling should be a part of the health care as soon as possible in order to address these. However, counseling is not to “'fix” an individual because they are “broken” due to same-gender attraction. Counseling is to help the individual develop the tools to manage the mental, emotional, and psychological challenges that are a part of it. Heavenly Father created them to be happy. They often need help in figuring out how to do that because of the mixed messages they receive (church vs. world).
PERSPECTIVE: Work to keep an eternal perspective, and help the individual increase theirs. In other words, “Don't Give Up On Your Child”' or “Don't Give Up On That Youth!” Telling an individual with gender dysphoria and same-gender attraction “no partner'”or “no companionship” based on the law of chastity may be obvious to the person giving the advice, but it may be too much for the individual—pushing them away from the gospel. When, given time to draw closer to Heavenly Father and gain a stronger testimony, they may come to that realization on their own and choose their own individual way to live the law of chastity.
FAMILIES: Please don't forget about the other members of the family. They need support, too.
TRUST AND PATIENCE: Finally, trust our Heavenly Parents and our Savior to know what is best for their child regardless of age. I believe this also applies to trusting them that things will work out-somehow. Do we condemn the addict because they give in to their physical addiction? No. Same-gender attraction is another mortal challenge to work through—not an eternal death sentence.
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