3 December 2020
Dear (Name),
I’m the culprit here. I owe you an apology for the miserable handling of this assignment. I had no intention of causing hurt feelings. Please forgive for me for the offense I have caused.
Maybe some background on how this came about would be helpful.
A year ago I was approached by a sister in our stake, who had been seriously betrayed by her priesthood leader husband. He did not commit adultery, but had hidden for more than 20 years in their marriage some deep-seated addictions that only came to light when he was arrested and she had to get him out of jail. Besides being horribly embarrassed by the incident, her years of trust in a husband, who had deceived many members and priesthood leaders (including myself) over the years, had been shattered.
Many wives would eventually forgive and try to forget. But it sent this sister on a tireless crusade to understand how pornography can re-wire a man’s brain and pull off such a deception for decades.
After more than a year of searching and learning, she felt compelled to come to me last fall to raise awareness of how prevalent pornography addiction is among priesthood holders, including leaders, and how it affects them. She also was concerned about how many priesthood leaders respond to these types of confessions. I, too, was guilty of failing to detect her husband’s addictions and frankly the bishop and I had handled the confession and discipline very poorly unwittingly hurting the wife deeply.
After meeting with her the first time, I wanted to repent by learning more. So I set up an almost-weekly schedule of hour-long meetings for two months or more with this sister and her ward Relief Society president and asked her to just teach me all that she has learned about this pernicious addiction and how priesthood leaders should handle it when it comes to light.
After our meetings, I felt a desire to begin a spouse support class feeling that if the pornography addiction (or levels of addiction) was as prevalent as she suggested (I thought maybe 25% among men in our stake; she said 75%) that the women of our stake would “speak” with their feet. Hence, the desire to have a women-only meeting so sisters would have confidence that they could share with complete privacy and not fear priesthood leaders were on a “witch hunt” looking for men who are addicted. My only concern is not to “discover” those who are addicted but to make sure the wife, who has suffered the most in this type of marriage, gets help…that she knows we love and care for her and that she gets the “tools” she needs to keep her life and marriage together, if possible.
That’s why I asked that you not attend the class, even though you would have oversight.
As you know, our first attempt at starting this class fell apart with the onset of the pandemic precisely at the same time of the fist class (March 12). Later this year, in my monthly Stewardship Interview with the Stake RS president, the subject came up again—it was on the minds of both Sister Richards and myself. So we began discussing it, along with Bro Hawkins who attends my monthly SI’s with Sister Richards. Frankly, I simply forgot that we had put the original class under your umbrella of responsibilities before. So I naturally just pushed forward with the Stake RS, inasmuch as the impetus for the class in the first place had initiated with me and it was easy for me to work through the RS directly since I have direct responsibility for the State RS.
Sister Richards and her counselors recommended Sister Newell to be the specialist to give direction to the class. That’s how her name came before the HC. Once approved, Brother Hawkins went ahead with the call (before the oversight was re-assigned to you). Dave met with both Matt and Beth to discuss at length the calling. So she has been called, but I asked that she not be sustained in the stake until we have a date, time and place for the first class so it could be announced at the same time of her sustaining…so sisters would put the two together—Sis Newell’s call and the beginning of the class. Once she is sustained, you will be asked to set her apart.
I hope you could tell how embarrassed I was when you spoke up in HC when Beth’s name was presented. I hadn’t realized or remembered until that moment that I failed to discuss this with those (you) who have Addiction Recovery Program oversight. Please know it was totally inadvertent. So when I realized what I had done, as you’ll recall, I suggested we discuss this in presidency, which is what we did and ultimately we changed direction and brought the oversight back to you.
However, because of how the initiative came about (my meetings over months with the two sisters in our stake) and how strongly I feel that we work through the RS to make sure that sisters feel comfortable in attending and sharing (and that this is not a witch hunt), it was natural and important to me that we keep this under the guidance of the Stake RS presidency. So I am asking that you take a different adviser role. That you not feel a responsibility to direct this initiative, but to be an “assistant,” ready to help however and whenever the stake RS needs you. If the class fails, you will not be blamed or chastised.
I hope you can see this is not too unique. It’s not uncommon for a high councilor like yourself, assigned to a very competent and seasoned EQ president, to recognize that his (HC) role is not to step in and be a mentor, but to some extent stay out of the way and take on a more supportive role.
I hope this background helps soothe the hard feelings I’ve caused because of my poor memory and weak management style. If you have any other questions, I welcome hearing from you. Please know how grateful I am that you spoke up so feelings don’t fester, as you suggested. I want you to be happy and feel needed in your service. Please know how much I appreciate your dutiful and faithful service on the High Council.
With love and gratitude for your diligence,
Crismon
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