Brother (name),
Thank you very much for your email and for sharing your concerns.
I’m so glad to hear both you and (wife) are going with (son) to (country) to help him sort out the delicate issues at hand. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience as to how things are progressing.
As for your concerns about inconsistency in church discipline, please know that we’re trying to be as consistent as possible and to follow the guidelines of the Church Handbooks. I welcome you sharing any specific Handbook statements you feel we are ignoring.
As for (another young man in the stake), he is not a returned missionary and has not made the same covenants as your son. Nor has he had sexual intercourse.
As for (another returned missionary), while deeply saddened by his choices after his mission, there is no evidence, that i’m aware of, that he announced publicly he was gay while on his mission. Now, had he publicly sought to recruit other youth or members to join him in his lifestyle, even after returning then he would certainly place himself in a position of receiving church discipline.
As you well know, we don’t go around conducting disciplinary councils on everyone who breaks commandments (announcing they’re gay or co-habitating out of wedlock) and even temple covenants. You’ll recall I asked you several times to consider action on an endowed sister in your ward who had a child out of wedlock, which increased her visibility as one who has mocked God. BTW, your successor hasn’t done so either despite my requests and encouragement. So even the most obvious cases sometimes go without church discipline.
Speaking of that case, why do you think both you and Bishop Miller have been slow in taking disciplinary action? Simply because (the mother) has shown no interest in wanting to repent. So unless the member is in a high-profile position in the Church, the unwritten rule is that church discipline is typically reserved for those who want to repent.
In short, church discipline is a blessing—a vehicle or tool to help those who want to repent, to walk that thorny path that all must walk in order to receive a complete healing and find ourselves worthy and clean to stand in the presence of God.
What a blessing it was that your son was willing to participate in church disciplinary action. It set his foot on the path to return sooner, than later. What if he had concealed it even after returning home? How sad and tragic this would all be if it had unraveled much later and in a different way. There’s a decent chance he would have been excommunicated.
So you’re aware, before (your son's) disciplinary council was held, I felt weighed down by it all to the extent I finally called the Missionary Department in SLC and ended up speaking to the brother who oversees all the field representatives throughout the world. I asked if he was aware of the situation and if he had any guidance for me as I’d never been put in a position of having to address a full-time missionary returning home with sins that had not been addressed in the mission field. He was aware of (your son's) confession and somewhat apologized to me explaining that (your son's) mission president made a mistake. That once he received (your son's) confession, President (mission president) should have kept your son in the field (i.e. delayed passage home) and conducted a disciplinary council right away.
So, unfortunately, it all landed on us and you personally had to be involved in the disciplinary action, itself; which I think, to some extent, was a blessing where you could be there for (your son) during the ordeal and not have a son come home in a disgraced, disciplined state—not knowing exactly what happened.
Finally, let me say this. While I appreciate your concerns, that you continue to share, let me remind you that a disciplinary council is not a punishment, even though it appears that way. It is a blessing for those who truly want to repent—a way to demonstrate their "faith unto repentance.” I caution you not to allow your inaccurate feelings about church discipline, i.e. that it is a punishment or it is meted out inconsistently, spill over to your son. I’m confident you’re not sharing those feelings with your son, but as we see over and over, that even parents' unspoken attitudes somehow reach the hearts of children and affect the way they live the gospel. Please be careful, my friend, that your attitude doesn’t hinder or cause a delay in your son’s repentance process. He has a long way to go and I am concerned he is not taking all of this seriously enough because he sees or feels that dad considers the disciplinary action unfair.
We love you and your family. What a blessing all of you are to our stake. Thank you for walking with your son on this difficult journey to being whole and healed.
Gratefully,
Crismon
P.S. I’m deeply troubled to hear we have another RM who is contemplating announcing that he is gay. Is this information confidential to you or can you share with me who it is so I can reach out to him, if he’ll allow me to do so?
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